A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."